update: long time no see

so i realize that i haven't written on here in such a long time. i've been caught up with enjoying my break, "nourishing" the mind, the soul (lol no), and most importantly, my stomach. it's really been a hot minute since i've written anything at all in a while. and so since it's the new year (which i still cannot believe...my mind still unconsciously thinks that it's 2013 😝!) i've decided to try to document something weekly. i don't really know the end-goal of this right now, but i think that i just want to do something cathartic.

and plus, i won't be going back to campus next semester (spring 2021), so i figured, why not ~do~ something...why not document the days in my life as a 20 year-old college sophomore who still lives with her parents (not that living with parents is a bad thing. it's just that when i was romanticizing/fantasizing college, i pictured my future a little differently back then, but i mean, there's a pandemic still going on, so i guess nothing's really ~normal~ at the moment...however long "at the moment" may be. lol i've been saying that phrase since the beginning of march last year! and again, as i'm typing this, i still cannot believe that it's already been a year. i've "lived" (survived) through an entire year of quarantining/isolation/pandemic...crazy).

anyhow...to get to the "update" of my life:

it's really hard to start, let alone unravel everything because a lot has happened in the past year, and i feel like i wouldn't do my experiences justice if i tried to cram them all into one blog post. but to summarize my overall take of 2020: chaos, pain, and mindful transition. and while this vague summary can refer to the external events of the past year, i'd mainly like to attribute them to my personal experiences/sentiments that i've felt/undergone over the course of this pandemic.

i never thought that i'd say this, but in a way, i appreciate 2020, not of course for this pandemic and all of the other tragedies that have occurred in the past year, but for allowing me, forcing me to slow down and think. although, back then, i could not have disagreed more with this point of view, now i feel like i can look back, and say at the very least that i'm grateful for all of the alone time.

it was hard back then, trying to readjust to the sudden change of events. it literally went from seeing my friends everyday and keeping up with them, whether that be through call or text, to little to no communication at all. and part of that was my doing. although i said to myself at the beginning of the quarantine that i wouldn't let anything change, those words were easier said than done. slowly i felt myself letting go of certain connections. i didn't view myself as weak not keeping to my ambitious plan; to me, the gradual loss of communication with other people felt natural and safe. it felt like the weight of the isolation and pandemic and online schooling was gradually starting to creep up on me. everything was piling up. everything was becoming so tiresome, and before i knew it, just waking up and surviving through the days became my utmost priority.

connections with my roommate and other friends that i used to communicate with daily gradually dwindled down to no communication at all, and strangely it felt okay...again, it felt natural; it felt safe. i honestly couldn't handle anything or anyone else but myself. there were some friends who got it, who understood. and it was probably because they were also going through some of the same psychological/mental changes as me, but there were also a handful of others who were desperate to hold on, to preserve the times of the past, and i can't blame them. i was there too at the beginning of this pandemic, but the longer i held on, the more mentally/physically drained i felt. the longer i swam against the tide, the more and more, i felt myself dissolving into the harsh waters; it felt like i was losing myself to the current the more i held on...and so i let go...unintentionally letting go of some of my long-established friendships from the past.

i remember the letting go was much easier than the random times during this isolation period when brief phases of my "pre-quarantine-self" would break through the weary haze of this pandemic. in those hot flashes, i was overwhelmed with pain and loss and nostalgia. sometimes, i was even tempted to reach out and reestablish contact, starting with an apology and ending with an explanation on my part. but the more i thought about it, the more i really thought about it, i couldn't help but think that i don't owe anyone an explanation or apology for me needing alone time. during these times, communication and social networking became a second to my priorities, while prioritizing myself moved to the forefront. to me, i felt like i couldn't successfully balance the two aspects of my life like i used to in the past, and so i chose myself.

when i chose myself, it wasn't an easy choice nor an easy transition. i was often filled with regret or fear of my "selfishness," and it took a lot from me to even consider the questions, "when have i ever really prioritized myself?" or "when was the last time i truly listened to what i wanted...let alone needed?" and what i needed was space, alone time, time to really get myself together before taking on the world again. it would take time for to realize that i wasn't selfish, conceited, vain; i was just someone who learned that she needed to respect and listen to herself more.

even if i wanted to explain all of my sentiments and train of thought to the handful of friends who were still fighting against the tide and desperate to preserve our pre-quarantine relationship, how could i? who was i do to that when i couldn't even find the time and energy to get out of bed or open my laptop for the next zoom class? what i needed was understanding and consideration at the very least even if it may have come out with a simple, "i need space" on my part.

harsh, i know. but i couldn't have been any softer at the time without sacrificing my true intentions. my mind was so narrow-minded; i could no longer see my periphery, just straight ahead that i needed space. no explanation (well, as if the pandemic and the fact that i've been isolated in my own bedroom for months wasn't enough). and while i'm at it, i'm aware that i've previously mentioned myself caught in some "pandemic haze." i don't want dismiss it as some some sort of fleeting phase in my life; i want to respect the times and myself by acknowledging that this was and still is the new normal for me.

at the beginning of quarantine, i used to fight this notion, but that was until two weeks of isolation became a month, a month became two, and two became a whole year. i couldn't keep believing that this was just a phase. in fact, i gradually and maybe even unconsciously stopped believing it all together. at first, i began to see it as a moment of temporary darkness, but after seeing the months go by, unchanging and relentless as ever, my eyes started to adjust, and before i knew it, i began to navigate my way through the dark.

and so who was i to apologize for changes and circumstances that were out of my control? that's all these friendships would ever be, a series of apologies and explanations that frankly felt unnecessary on my part. i shouldn't have to explain myself for not wanting to call everyday or for me wanting alone time. again, as if the pandemic and months of isolation wasn't enough to hint at/understand. everyone is going through something, and it's not our responsibility to always give an explanation for our actions or how we feel. it's enough already that we are barely surviving through this. and if waking up, looking at the mirror, and getting into the shower is all we can do; it's enough, we are enough.

we don't need to be pressured to respond to every text, every phone call. we don't need to give an apology or explanation for how we feel, what's going through our lives 24/7. and if that cuts off a few friends from our lives, honestly, so be it because at the end, i know how i feel. and if i had chosen to go down that route, acting like my previous self, acting as if the pandemic never happened, i would be lying to myself. in times like this, i've learned that you need to prioritize yourself and be true to yourself into order to respect yourself, such as setting boundaries and becoming more aware of who you are, what you want, and what you need. no one else has the power to do it, but you.

Noelle Escobal

January 9, 2021